The Monster Inside ME – A 15 year old girls Psalm

I woke up today feeling horrible. I felt as if I have no purpose in this world, no meaning.
Perhaps I don’t…
I felt so mean… Perhaps I am…
So ugly… Maybe they were right.
It’s like the monster inside of me has awoken once again.
But people mustn’t find out about the way I feel.
They think I’m such a happy, bubbly person…. When in fact
I am just a merely a dark shadow on the wall….
Something that is ignored… Something that people don’t think about. But why would they?
I’m not Nicki, I’m no barbi, I’m not a ‘good girl gone bad” I can’t dance around acting like I’m RiRi.
I must put my mask on today…
Tell momma I’ll be late to school, as I do every single day.
I feel as if I am two faced.
All people see is a nice, innocent, girl who wouldn’t hurt a fly.
Always fun loving, never in trouble,
I’m the one that always has a shoulder open for someone to cry on.
Yet, behind closed doors, my wonderful mask falls to pieces and shatters around my feet.
I feel dirty
I feel bad, like I did something wrong… (Should I have crawled back inside of my mother’s womb?)
I feel as if I’m the cause for all of the problems in my life.
(Does my daddy lie when he says he loves me and calls me beautiful?)
All the hurt that they had caused made me who I am today…
This horrible monster cannot be tamed.
People think I am so strong because I just paint over my problems
Creating daylight when actually my sky is dark. I do this easy like it doesn’t matter.
What people don’t see is the pain that’s in my eyes… The pain in my heart.
I feel as if I shouldn’t burden people with my problems.
(They couldn’t eat my whole pie if I baked it for em).
Yet…..I’m screaming a silent plea for help.
All the times I’ve been hurt, the times that I can’t even stand to look at myself in the mirror
I get sick to my gut just seeing that monster in it.
Nobody knows what I go through. (God why do your children judge when they don’t know you?)
It’s all a game and I doubt I’m gonna win But no worries people.
My mask shall magically repair itself, every morning, every night.
If it falls it flies back up to my face, covering up my pain, my broken heart, my hurt, & my disgust…
It will always be there till I get behind that closed door again.
As long as nobody see’s this monster inside me, tomorrow,
I’ll be ok to pretend to be alive again…

This was a poem written by a 15 year old African girl. She submitted this poem because she was tired of hiding herself, inside of herself… She said that she knew that there were other girls out there or even older women, who may be hiding like she has been, and maybe it would help them to know that they are not alone…

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3 thoughts on “The Monster Inside ME – A 15 year old girls Psalm

  1. You know when I was 15 I found myself writing the same exact word. I described myself as a sullen girl trapped in abyss of misery. However, it was in my sophomore year in college where I found Jesus Christ and I realized my life was not to be haphazardly but I have purpose . And I want you to know you not just another being on this earth with no purpose. There is a God who loves you and his name is Jesus. I believe deep down inside you believe there is something on the inside of you or else you wouldn’t still be writing. If you get a chance follow my blog notesfromasmallgirl and I hope that in my journey of getting free from depression, low self worth suicide, anxiety, sickness will bring you hope that there is purpose on you and in you.

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    1. Thank you for reading as well as sharing your story. This was actually a poem submitted to me to feature on my blog from a 15 year old girl. So many young girls out here who go through the unthinkable at such a young age, yet their voices are hardly heard because the world takes more interest into mocking & degrading them. I wanted this post to open up peoples eyes to a reality that is not provided by “reality tv”.

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