There is a kid at my school whom I am mentoring. He’s 18 years old and the problem that he faces is the lack of self-confidence. He doesn’t believe in himself, and when he identifies a woman that he finds attractive, he freezes up and doesn’t know how to make his approach. For example, one day at our school library he had his eyes on this Hispanic girl. He along with his friends, were discussing in how he should approach. The boy was nervous, sweating bullets. I played the watcher in this scenario. I heard a lot of “how’s” and “I can’ts”. I watched and listened as these guys were telling him all these inspiring things like,
“Don’t worry about anything, just go up and make conversation.”
“Approach her with a compliment.”
“Say something that will make her interested in a convo with you.”
Meanwhile, I’m studying him and this guy doesn’t look like he’d even enjoy a convo with himself. Now if that’s what I’m picking up as an observer, imagine what the girl will pick up as soon as he approaches. She would immediately feel his timid energy.
Here’s what I found interesting about the situation. One of his friends decided that they’ll go and approach the girl and while they’d make conversation, my friend here should then join in. The plan was obvious. One friend approach the girl, then he would go and greet his friend as if it’s their first time seeing each other for the day, followed by the friend introducing the girl and him, which would then be followed by the friends leave. I thought to myself, “this guy has some good & clever friends.
So the plan went to action. When it was time for my guy to make his move over to where his friend and the girl was, he did, but once he did, he just stood. All he did was just stand there for about 8 minutes and said & did nothing besides a greeting gesture to his friend. All awhile he just stood beside the girl. I could imagine her feeling awkward and began to get an ugly feeling of embarrassment for this young man. Inside I was crying for his aid. The rest of his friends made it known aloud that they too, were hurting inside. It didn’t take too long for the friend to realize that it was quite long enough for my guy to have come up with a decent conversation, and left him to take over the conversation. So he did, and so it began.
We watched anxiously as if waiting for the next scene in a horror flick after a woman decided to go against all laws of common sense and open the door to where she heard screams. *facepalm*.
I paid attention the responses of her body language during the conversation. It was clear to she that she either felt uncomfortable, or just wasn’t interested and was waiting for him to leave her a lone. “This guy needs to learn the signs.” I said to myself. Once it was realized that their meeting had come to a conclusion, I watched him get up with disappointment as a makeup on his face. When he arrived back to us, I spoke to him. I told him about the signs she was giving off that was clearly telling him that whatever he was trying to say wasn’t working, and all of the areas where he went wrong. I spoke to him about my blog and his friends recommended that he take some lessons from me. He agreed to become my student, and I agreed to be his teacher.
Now, this is a very nice guy and also quite funny. He knows how to joke on himself as well as laugh along with others who may joke on him, showing that it doesn’t bother him. Although he spoke of being comfortable with his own appearance, his actions did not reflect that. So I asked him,
“Why are you afraid to approach a female?”
“What you mean you don’t know? what is it that makes you so repellant?” I asked him.
Then he said.
“I guess I see the guys that are around these women, and I know I’m not that. I see who they like to talk to and the things they like to do, and I’m not that. I’m not their type. So it’s hard for me to find something to say that they’ll relate to”
Then I understood his situation even more. He was afraid of the women he was attracted to. Although he desired these women, he felt inferior to him. Although he claimed to be comfortable being the type of guy he is, he didn’t feel that type of guy was deserving for women. So I said to him.
“Maybe the women who you so consistently want to go after, are actually not your type, rather than you not being their type. You’re putting yourself below these women as though you’re not man enough to be well, a man! That’s like a sin to the father. Listen, you’re idolizing forced attraction. Which means, you’re just going after what makes all men turn heads. one thing you need to understand about these women, they know that they’re attractive so they know when all eyes are on them. With that being, they intentionally make it difficult for any man to approach them and off gate they will challenge any man that does. They feel as if they can tame men and make men shiver by their looks, but what you’ll never hear from their mouths is that they want a man who can conquer that. Your appearance speaks aloud shyness and timidness, which is the first thing that they sense from afar when they look at you and even more when you approach them. And for that, you immediately fail with them.”
Here’s my instruction to the men who lack confidence in themselves & are afraid of women.
Fear is a devil within self, that you must learn to defeat. It is the only thing that keeps you from success in anything that you pursue. It is the only cause of your failure. You have the spirit of God in you. You must seek to identify your inner self to become one with this self. Once you’ve accomplish this, you’ll become confident and know that all what you fear is actually inferior to you. Man who lacks confident in self, is in danger of be consumed till his death-bed, by the image of a person who he is not. Out loud he speaks of his happiness and surety of himself, but pay close attention to an unconfident mans words and you will know that he truly cries of misery within himself. They often stutter and the “truth” never appears the same twice. Men, if you know you have troubles with being comfortable enough to embrace your true selves in the world and to the people in it, do not be afraid to seek aid. Talk to friends and family members. There is mentorship, there are books such as “The Spirit of A Man” IyanlaVanzant, and there is the bible (mans best go-to for instruction).
Women want a confident man. A man who is both confident in his words, and confident enough to stand by her side. Dear quiet man, women respond to the loud man because she feels at least she can hear his words and is glad that he is bold enough bring himself before her. This is what you must do. Show the women who you are without having any doubt in self of who you are, no matter how beautiful she appears to be. For what may look beautiful on the inside, may not be as much of a precious jewel on the inside. Influence yourself to want to learn about women, especially the ones whose appearance you idolize. Then rather you being in fear of what she may ask of you, you can be the one who comes with the questions. Women love a man who shows interest in her. Conversation will then flow smoothly afterward.
Take the responsibility of a man, and do not act as a child. A man is brave, a man is strong, man is not afraid, a man goes after what he desires and man conquers.
I Believe in You SpongeBob!